No matter what I say, or how much I post it, or how vocal I am about it, there are those people, and they are numerous, who still insist on telling me that it's a choice I've made. It's not always said in a negative way, mind you. Some of them are really quite sweet and supportive in saying that they respect my choice and I must live my life for myself and no-one else, and I really appreciate that. Believe me, in a world that is full of bigotry and negativity, positive feedback is always welcome. Which brings me to the "not so positive" feedback about my "choice". I am ALL for freedom of speech. Lord knows I have my say frequently. The difference is, if you are going to give negative feedback IN my space ie. my facebook page, my twitter, my website, my house, or anything else that is near and dear to me, or has my name attached to it, then you are going to have to expect MY feedback, and, while I am a diplomat, there is only so far I will go before I delete you permanently from my life. It's called preservation of self and I didn't always live like that. But when you have been on the frontlines for a large part of your life, you LEARN to live like that.
Let's get back to that "choice" thing. I will acknowledge that I DID make a choice...
Altogether now....
EH?!
Let's clear this up before someone
When I came out, it made everyone else's lives miserable... AND further intensified my misery! Why, oh why would I choose to do that to myself?! If it was really a non-issue for me, I would have simply said, "Ok Mel, enough is enough, time to remove the shattered glass from your shoes and get on with life like normal people do." The only problem with that was, my feet were in shreds, permanently damaged, and the pain was agonising and constant. I couldn't keep it to myself anymore. I had to tell someone. It was only when I DID tell someone, that I realised I wasn't the only one walking around with a very painful secret. There were so many others like me. All harboring the same secret, all hobbling around, nursing their pain in silence. That was when I removed the shattered glass from my life and started allowing the wounds to heal.
Wounds don't heal overnight, scars seldom go away completely, but, eventually, they are no longer painful. They just serve as a constant reminder that you survived something painful, but you eventually forget the pain. I can look back on my life and confidently say, "I made the right choice." No it wasn't choosing to love women, it was choosing to accept myself FOR loving women. There's a very big difference.
I was getting my hair touched up for Friday's photo shoot and, for want of anything better to read, I was forced to page through the People magazine. There was an article on Corrective Rape. If you all haven't heard about this little nasty, then let me put it in a nutshell for you... There are those who believe that women are lesbians because they haven't had sex with a man and, in their minds, the only way to "cure" that woman, is to rape her. As if that, in itself, weren't bad enough, they often take the lesson too far, and end up beating her to death too. Where's the proof, you may ask? Women are raped and killed daily in our country. How do we know it's "Corrective Rape" as opposed to a "normal" rape. (Oxymoron if I EVER heard one.) I'll tell you how we know: it's because the men are so incredibly vocal about it. It's because the women they rape, coincidentally, are all lesbian and it's because they are constantly targeted and abused and attacked and, despite their pleas for help, and their reporting it to the police, their cries of help are not heard and then suddenly it is too late and they are found lying on a rubbish heap, brutally savaged.
Again I have to say, WHO in their right mind, would CHOOSE a life like that?! I have it fairly easy, as do many of my fellow lesbians. We live in areas where most people wouldn't dare speak out against a gay woman because there will be any number of people coming to her defense. There are those who live in other areas who aren't so lucky. Not only will no-one come to their defense, but they will also lose their lives simply for loving the "wrong" sex. It breaks my heart and it makes me realise that what I have experienced, is NOTHING. I have had it so easy. Words may be unpleasant but they can't hurt me if I don't let them. Fists hurt, and guns and knives hurt, and they DO. They do more than hurt. They kill. And let me just say that rape, corrective or not, is NOT about sex. Not even close. Rape is about power. It is about controlling another human being. Can you even imagine how it must feel for a lesbian to be raped by a man? It's akin to a straight man being raped by another man. It's one of their worst fears. We don't DO penises. To have one forced on us would be hell. For so many south african lesbians, this is their LAST experience on earth. They are taken to hell... and then they die. THAT'S the reality.
This is another question I hear often: Why do we have a PRIDE march? What makes us so special that we need a march to celebrate who we are. Why do we need to force our sexuality on everyone? Well, first of all, we can't FORCE our sexuality on anyone. It's your choice to watch and be a part of it. You can always look away... Secondly, for 364 days of the year, heterosexuality is "forced" on gay people. We can't really look away because it's EVERYWHERE. Television, posters, billboards, magazines, radio, it's right on our doorstep in the form of our family and people surrounding us. Your argument may be, but it's not our fault you chose to be gay... again, I reiterate, we didn't choose to be gay any more than you chose to be straight. I used to think that you were one of the lucky ones because life was so much easier for you. You didn't have to question who you were, or what you were, or why everyone hated you before they even got to know you. You were never judged for holding your partner's hand in public, or calling them your boyfriend or girlfriend, because no-one had cause to question you. Society decided 150 years ago that you were normal and I was not. It's not your fault either. It's just how it happened. THAT'S why we have our ONE day a year to come out of our holes and be proud of who we are without fear of being attacked. There is safety in numbers;) 18 000 to be exact!
I realise now that I AM one of the lucky ones. At the age of 35 I have a family who accepts and loves me and I am legally married to a beautiful woman who I love with all my heart and who loves me just as much back. We have a wonderful circle of friends who love and accept us for who we are and we have so much going for us. I don't need to hide who I am and I can live my life openly and honestly without fear. Life is good. I no longer envy straight people. I don't envy anyone at all. I wouldn't change my life for anything.
That doesn't mean that I can sit back and carry on with my life and forget about the others. I can't forget that I am just one of the lucky ones. There are so many others who aren't so lucky. There are those who hide behind closed doors and live in fear. Not only fear of rejection but also fear for their lives. It's a very real thing. Even if I wasn't known by so many people, I'd still feel compelled to do something because it's something close to my heart. If you have diabetes, it'll be something you'll focus on in your life and if you were in a position to help other people with diabetes, you'd use the opportunity wouldn't you? You do what you can to alleviate the suffering of others if you know there's a way to do it. What kind of person would I be if I didn't do what I could? The sad thing is that diabetes is an ILLNESS. Homosexuality is not an illness, BUT we have all been made to believe that we have a problem or that we are not right in the head, not "normal". So, in effect, my fellow homosexuals are suffering and I will do everything I can to alleviate that suffering.
That brings us back to the question, "Why am I so vocal about my choices." We've covered the choice issue. And I think I've just answered the bit about being vocal. People fear what they don't understand. The minute they have an understanding of something, however, the fear diminishes. I figure the more people that know and understand me, the more people will understand gay people in general, the less they will fear them, the more accepting people will become. Because I can reach more people than the average person, I have a responsibility to my fellow human beings to be open and honest about who I am, all the time.
I really believe that's my calling in life, and the reason I make music. I have a powerful tool in my hands. I can use my music to change lives in a positive way. Thanks to things like Facebook, we ALL have the means to change lives. It's not everyone's thing. Some people just want to live and let live and that's fine too. This, for me, is important and so I will be vocal and I will rock the boat and I will continue to challenge and those who can't handle it are welcome to leave.
As long as people are living in fear, and as long as people are dying for reasons that make no sense to me, I will stand on my soapbox and have my say. Listen, don't listen. The choice is yours.
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