Lipstick Lesbian: a lesbian with a noticeably feminine appearance
Am I the only person that finds this phrase vaguely disturbing? As if lesbians are not meant to have a feminine appearance? Ok, I know, in the past, I have often been the only woman in the club wearing high heels and carrying a handbag, and I know I often got, and still get, strange looks. I know all about stereotypes but am I REALLY that much in the minority? Well, after doing my own research, I've realised that I actually am a bit of a rare breed and I find myself wondering why...
Apparently, if we really want to get technical, you can differentiate between femme lesbians and lipstick lesbians. Femme lesbians are generally attracted to butch or masculine lesbians, while lipstick lesbians are attracted to other feminine lesbians. I guess that makes me a bonafide lipstick lesbian! What I find interesting is that we are often thought of as demure, submissive creatures... I'll have you know that many, if not all femmes and lipstick lesbians are strong, independant women!
We're all familiar with the word "Dyke". According to my research, dyke is just another name for lesbian. You can be femme, butch, lipstick or other and still be defined as a dyke, although, having been a part of the gay community for 17 years, my own experience with the word "dyke" is that it is used more as an insult and I think the rule for all of us is to take it from whence it comes when deciding if someone needs a swift kick or not! I honestly find it hard to even get the word, Dyke, out of my mouth. Lesbian is pushing it as it is!
It was our very own Ellen who coined the name "Chapstick lesbian", quite unintentionally too, when someone asked her if she was a lipstick lesbian or what. Ellen replied that she was more of a chapstick lesbian. Gotta love that;) The definition would be soft butch or androgynous. They usually dress quite casually and don't wear make-up. Other labels that could also be applied here are Futch, Kiki or Stem. Do I hear a, "Eh?!"
It gets even more involved when you get to Blue Jeans Femme! A Blue Jeans Femme is a lesbian who sees herself as femme, or feminine. She wears makeup but prefers jeans and more casual clothing and feels uncomfortable in dresses and skirts.
Probably the label we're most familiar with is Butch. I don't think I need to tell you that it's a lesbian woman who adopts more masculine characteristics. Under the butch category, you will also get sub-categories like Soft Butch, for example. She is a lesbian who dresses more masculine but is soft and feminine on the inside. Despite being in touch with her inner woman, she could probably still change the oil in her car's engine! You also get a Stone Butch and she literally doesn't see herself as a woman. She doesn't want to be treated, or touched, like a woman in any way and has probably questioned her gender at some point in her life. Boi also falls more or less under the Butch category. She is your regular tomboy. I'm sure we all know at least one. She's too soft and cute to be considered butch but she is undoubtedly NOT feminine and dresses and acts boyishly more than manly. Finally, Diesel Dyke also fits into this category and they are VERY butch, usually sporting lumberjack shirts, mens jeans and boots. They are always drawn to Femme girls and apparently can be aggressive?! Somehow I feel like I've wondered into an animal documentary and am now speaking with the voice of David Attenborough!
Let's just quickly clear something up here: Dressing masculinely does not make a woman into a lesbian, contrary to popular belief. Acting masculinely only means that's the gender role that the person identifies with; it has nothing to do with their sexual orientation. A highly masculine man could be gay for all we know and a very feminine man could be straight, and both of these cases are frequent. I know, because I've seen it often.
I think we've all been guilty of looking at a person and forming an impression based on that first glance. Looking at all these labels, I am sure that at least ONE picture of a person comes to mind with every new label you read about. I can actually hear your thought processes as you ponder, "Which one suits me best?"
Stop right there!!
Is it really necessary to be THIS complicated?! If we are so desperate for people to start accepting us and stop trying to put us in a box, then why are we so keen to put ourselves there?
Stop right there!!
Is it really necessary to be THIS complicated?! If we are so desperate for people to start accepting us and stop trying to put us in a box, then why are we so keen to put ourselves there?
Believe me, I GET the confusion. I was an 18 year old lesbian who didn't know WHAT she was supposed to be. At one point I wondered if I had been born into the wrong body! I thought that maybe I was actually meant to be a man. Why else would I fall in love with women? It made no sense. I was so unsure about who and what I was that I shaved all my hair off and started wearing baggy shirts and jeans (absolutely no dresses!) and stopped wearing makeup. I tried to change the way I walked and talked. I insisted on being called Mel, instead of Melanie. I stripped myself of my femininity because the world told me that I couldn't possibly be a woman and still love a woman.
I made a TERRIBLE butch let me tell you! I was small and soft and so naturally feminine that it just didn't sit well with me. Secretly, I wanted to be girly. I missed my long hair and I wanted to wear beautiful clothes and shoes and makeup. I felt stupid dressing and acting the way I did. But once I'd moved away from that, I didn't know how to find my way back and I also felt it was expected of me. It was only thanks to a close, gay male friend that I finally found my inner woman. He took me shopping and encouraged me to wear tighter, sexier clothes and to start wearing makeup and it was much easier to do with someone by my side. It took me many years to come completely out of my shell but I eventually managed it and today I have embraced the woman I am and I'm completely comfortable with myself.
Knowing all of this makes me wonder, how many lesbians out there are truly happy with who they are and how many of them dress and act the way they do because society, and even their peers, expect it? I know it sounds strange to hear that. Why on earth would we dress and act a certain way simply because the world expects it of us?! But I know we do, because that's exactly what I did! I had a huge chip on my shoulder, resenting the way I was being treated simply for being gay. Have you noticed how teenagers dress to shock? Well, that's the reason a lot of gay girls do it too. They are rebelling against the world in the one way they know how. By being completely "in your face" lesbians! Amazingly, it isn't just the straight world who expect it, it's also the lesbian world. Did you know that, in the 1950's, the lesbian community was very into roles and you had to choose whether you were butch or femme. Those in between were shunned and the two groups barely, if ever, interacted with each other. I find it so sad that, with the whole world being against them, they still found it necessary to divide themselves even further when they should have been standing together.
What I find really interesting is that, in the straight world, you don't really get these labels. If a person is aggressive, they're just aggressive. If they're a gentle person, that's all they're described as. If a woman is feminine, she's just THAT, feminine. If you do a search for "straight label definitions" you get a few geometry websites! If you do a search for "lesbian label definitions" there is every kind of website under the sun about the various labels within the lesbian community. And let's not forget our gay brothers too! Even there, we're divided. We have gay men and lesbians. Apparently there are a group of women trying to sell the term "Gayelle" as opposed to lesbian or gay. According to gayelle.org, the word lesbian is antiquated and not cheerful or fun enough. So, they want to create a new word that they feel better fits their perception of themselves. Have we not got ENOUGH labels already? Who started this? Are WE guilty of it? Reading through the various descriptions, I actually found myself trying to figure out which labels best described the people in my life! I had to stop myself and say, "Hey! Since when did anyone need a label to define who they are?!"
I know what you're thinking; you're thinking that I need to stop taking it all so seriously, and you are right, in a way. Reading all the different labels is amusing and entertaining on the surface, but, if you were to dig a little deeper, can you also admit that it's damaging? Aren't we, as a community, setting an example for young people still trying to find their way? We are the pioneers in this new age of acceptance for homosexuals in South Africa. Suddenly we can marry, we can walk the streets hand in hand with our loved ones. The constitution is on our side and, legally, at least, we have been acknowledged and accepted as a normal part of society. It's what our predecessors have been fighting for for years and yet, it seems to me that we still insist on alienating ourselves in so many ways. Human beings are ALL different and unique. We all have our own way of defining ourselves. I think that's perfectly normal and I don't see that we need to try and actively find the category that we fit into. It suggests that the way we are is not quite normal and the danger is, if we want to change and experience personal growth, this makes it harder. There's no question that stereotyping people can be damaging to a person. It still amazes me that people say to me, "But you don't look like a lesbian at all!" Who decided what a lesbian looks like?! And who says things have to stay that way? If you are a naturally tomboyish and comfortable with that, good for you! If you don't like wearing makeup and prefer t-shirts to pretty tops, good for you! If you have been a tomboy all your life, because you thought it made you more of a lesbian, but deep down you've harboured a secret desire to wear makeup and carry a handbag WHAT is stopping you aside from yourself?
Don't put yourself in a box. It's not only unnecessary, it's damaging to your personal growth and, isn't that why we are here; to grow? No-one has the right to put you in a cage. We were created with freedom of choice. We are lucky enough to have freedom of expression. We've always had it and yet there will always be those who try and take it away from us. It's bad enough that THEY will try and do it, but don't do it to yourself. It's a waste of a life and it's terribly sad because you will never be entirely happy with who you are. Most of us have been told, our whole lives, that how we feel, who we are, and who we love, is not good enough for the civilised world. If we give in to that, they win, and they will always think that they are right.
Don't let them box you in. Even better, don't box yourself in. You can't let them win because that means that you lose, and THAT is unacceptable. It's YOUR world. Make it yours in every possible way, BE exactly who you need to be and always know that the power to change it is in your hands alone. Accept yourself and open up your world to so many new and exciting possibilities. You are beautiful just as you are.
I'll end with these wise words from Aesop ~ Outer show is a poor substitute for inner worth.
love it melanie; love the writing, the thoughts and the reasoning! thanks and keep up the writing!
ReplyDeleteThanks Erika:) I will!
ReplyDelete